Satire on a Wednesday

Sometimes I write satire just for the hell of it.

Puerto Rico out of money

Governor, lawmakers fail to reach deal to avert country closure.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico (MPS Press) -- The government of Puerto Rico ran out of money Monday, forcing the U.S. commonwealth to close.
The legislature and governor failed to reach a last-minute accord that would have averted one of only a handful of country shutdowns in history.
All 1,600 public schools on the island were closed two weeks before the end of the academic year, and 43 government agencies were shut down after negotiations between lawmakers and Gov. Alejandro Garcia Padilla failed. All businesses, including hotels, resorts and restaurants also closed – leading to comparisons with the closure of Malaysia several years ago.
Looking beyond the obvious economic impact on Puerto Rico’s citizens, one of the major ramifications of country closure is going to be the loss of its traditional place on the world map.
UN Resolution 1441 states “any country remaining closed for a period of time greater than 30 days is subject to erasure or relocation on the world map”. The above mentioned Malaysia was relocated to just off the coast of Argentina and is now known as The Falklands. Pundits report general satisfaction with the move, especially since “that Tsunami thing”.
Not all broke nations are as lucky however, as Malaysia. The country formerly known as Siam, which bought the rights to the former Malaysia on the map, remain less than satisfied with their transaction.
UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon spoke at a press conference during his tour of Cuba (formerly Equador); “Canada has expressed a great deal of interest in moving to the spot on the map currently occupied by Puerto Rico. The UN is looking very hard at the Canadian’s more than generous offer. It would mean they would have to learn to dress better, and take up more interesting sports, but this is possible. Such a move, in all probability, means that Puerto Rico will be moving north to take the space on the world map vacated by Canada in its move south. Of course, if Puerto Rico can’t come up with any money for the move, we may have to see if another country wants, and can afford, to move there. Maybe Poland.”
Governor Padilla responded with a plea his countrymen seemed to echo “Look, we are a resort and tourism based island nation. Please, give us time to come up with some money, and re-open. Our sunny island people will never survive in the tundra that is currently Canada.”
But World Map and Atlas procedure is clear. The clock is ticking and Puerto Rico has 29 days to re-open for business.
"As of 8 a.m. this morning, I don't have in hand a single legislative proposal that resolves this crisis," Padilla told reporters.
Puerto Rico has a $740 million budget shortfall because the legislature and the governor have been unable to agree on a spending plan since 2004. Bermuda – who successfully emerged from the brink of closure in 1962, has offered to work with Puerto Rico on the budgeting process. There is as yet, no word on whether the offer has been accepted.

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5 Things I Think on a Monday

1) Does a Prius come with an accelerator or is that an optional accessory?  It must cost a lot because I have yet to see a Prius on the road doing even the speed limit.   Prius owners might consider investing in that piece of equipment because really, why make your car suckier than it already is?
2) I think I was a fool to jump off Palace Malice in the Belmont last Saturday.  I had him in the Derby, and have liked him since his first start around 2 turns.  $29 (I didn't win) later I'm remembering to stick with your pick.
3) I miss not showing The Mighty this year, but am finding myself vastly entertained at Emerald Downs.  I know Auburn is a ways off the beaten track for many, but its a heck of a lot cheaper than a Mariner's game, its outside, and you at least have the CHANCE to try to make some money rather than just giving it away.  But hey I'm just silly like that.
4) I know I owe a Costa Rica recap; but it took me a good long while to wrap my head around it, and things seemed to really change afterwards.  Don't know if it was me, or if 2013 is just a shift overall - but so far I like it.
5) I am looking forward to 6 days in NOLA.  3 will be all work - but evenings free.  I have big plans to eat myself silly, listen to some great music, and laissez les bon temps rouler!